Several years ago I had quite a different life. I suddenly found myself a young single mother with three children to journey through life with. My neuvo-unmarried status was not a choice of mine. Fate had dealt me a losing hand. Never would I have imagined that when I kissed my husband good-bye that fateful morning I would never kiss, much less see him again.
I arrived home late that evening to be greeted by my children, who were concerned that their father had not arrived home. I made frantic phone calls to friends and relatives. I had a feeling deep within my core that something was horribly wrong. My feelings were confirmed a short while later when I noticed a car slowly approach my house. My oldest daughter sensed something was amiss. She begged me not to answer the knock on the door.
I did so anyway, only to find a policeman with a sad look in his eyes. I knew before he told me what he was going to say. Call it a sixth sense. . I immediately fell to my knees, I childishly covered my ears with my hands and threw the phone at him. On the phone was my husbands' brother whom I had been speaking with at the time. I heard the detectives words they burned deep into my being. He informed me that my husband was dead. For the next several weeks I was living in a fog.
Close ones took over my daily living chores and helped me through the initial shock. However the pain would not dissipate that easily. I felt severe almost phyisical pain in every breathe. I felt it in my thoughts. It was my constant companion, It kept me company in those long sleepless nights. The nights were always the worst. Darkness begets darkness. My pain was so immense that it burned through my veins circulating through my heart. There was no reprise. Pain ruled my impulses. At one point I considered ending it all. I plotted my own demise. It would have been so easy. So easy to curl up into a fetal position and reverse life. At one point I ran my car off the road only to turn the wheel back at the point of no return. I had pills. I had a gun. I toyed with these ideas, like a cat toys with its prey right before it pounces. I liked the idea of the gun it would be quick and there would be no chance to have a change of heart.
All of a sudden, out of the blue, I began thinking clearly. I asked myself, "Who would clean the mess I left behind? I began to laugh until I couldn't stop. Then cried until I couldn't stop. I slept that night a long restful sleep. I awoke the next morning with a plan. Laughter and a plan, they have carried me far. I now enjoy life. I am a proud mother and grandmother of beautiful grown and infant children. I love life, humor, theater and the arts. I still have moments of pain and fear, but they are few and far between. Life is for the living, and I am living it to the fullest. I never thought I would get through that. I not only got through it, but as a stronger more compassionate person.
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